Dreams Page 10

  As Len and Joe left for the show, her uncle barked an order at Luke: “Get that black gelding going well today. There’s less than four weeks until his first show. Make sure he knows who’s boss.”

  “Will do.” Ellie heard the tension in Luke’s voice. She wondered if he still thought Len was a better father than his own.

  Luke took Lucifer into the school but the horse was even more resistant than the day before, shaking his head, swishing his tail and threatening to rear. Ellie was pleased to see him playing up. She hoped her uncle wouldn’t be able to get Lucifer going properly, so Jeff Hallett would take his horse and maybe even his sponsorship away.

  It would serve him right, she thought fiercely as she fetched Spirit’s bridle for a ride at lunchtime.

  As they left the yard and headed up to the hills she felt the tension she’d been holding inside her release. It had been such a difficult twenty-four hours. Focusing on the small things she saw around her—the bits of wool caught in the barbed-wire fence; the stones on the path that had fallen out of a wall; thinking of Spirit with his stride swinging out beneath her—Ellie felt everything else fade to the back of her mind.

  When the land leveled out, she stopped Spirit and looked down over the valley. The yard was beneath her, with other gray stone farms dotted around the slopes, and further down in the valley was the town. Ellie wondered where Joe was. Leaning forward, she put her arms around Spirit’s neck.

  Poor Joe. He’d be kept busy at the show, but she knew only too well that being busy just kept grief at bay for a while; it didn’t make it go away.

  She rested her head against Spirit’s mane. Oh, Spirit, she thought. Why is life so hard sometimes?

  Love came from him but there was no answer to her question.

  I guess horses don’t think like that, she thought wistfully. They don’t think why me, or wonder why everything is so hard. Never, in all the times Spirit had spoken to her about his own past, had she felt a complaint or a sense of unfairness. She remembered what Spirit had told her about horses the night before: Horses walk in the present.

  It was true. Horses got on with things. They rarely wasted time by questioning why, or wondering if things could be different. They existed in the moment.

  Horses are incredible, Ellie told Spirit.

  Different, came the swift reply. She saw a picture of herself cradling Merlin’s head: the pony’s eyes were closed but there was a real sense of him being comforted. It almost made her want to cry.

  I wanted to stop it, she told Spirit.

  I know. You couldn’t, but you helped. And you can help others too, the ones who are still here.

  He sent her a picture of Lucifer in the stable again, just as he had the day before. He didn’t mean it to end as it did. He has problems. He needs someone to understand.

  Ellie hesitated. She didn’t want to go anywhere near Lucifer after what he’d done.

  Spirit watched her.

  With a sigh, she checked her watch. She should get moving. Straightening up, she touched her heels to his sides and they carried on.

  When Joe returned from the show, there were two rosettes stuck inside the windscreen of the trailer and her uncle seemed happy. Ellie helped unload the ponies.

  “So how was it?” she said, going to find Joe when she’d settled the ponies in their stables. He was fastening the breast strap on Bill’s rug.

  “It was a show.” Joe shrugged. “We won one class, took a fifth in the other. Dad’s pleased.”

  Rubbing a hand over his eyes, he came out of the stable. He looked utterly drained.

  “And how are you feeling?” she asked.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “OK.” She helped him put the traveling boots and rugs away. If he didn’t want to talk that was fine. She wouldn’t force him. She remembered her own horror at seeing a bereavement counselor who’d wanted her to talk about her parents’ death, and at the way her friends’ parents had tried to make her speak about it. She knew that part of the comfort Spirit gave her was that he never expected her to talk if she didn’t feel like it, and he never told her how she should be thinking or feeling. Ever since he’d come into her life he had always just been there for her, whenever she needed, however she needed. Joe didn’t have a horse like Spirit. But he did have her. In that instant, she promised herself she would be there for him in the same way.

  “You look exhausted,” she said as they finished off. “Come on. No homework tonight. You’re going to watch television with me.”

  Joe didn’t have the strength to argue. He managed a sad smile and they went into the house together.

  Chapter Thirteen

  OVER THE NEXT WEEK, Ellie stayed true to her promise. She was there for Joe in any way she could be. He never spoke about Merlin and what had happened, but at times she would catch him looking at Merlin’s old stable and see the loss in his eyes. Ellie felt concerned about him. He was withdrawn and quiet, going about his day-to-day life with a deep unhappiness hanging over him. She knew that under the surface he was still angry with his dad, but he kept it all inside. She wished he would say something more to Len, deal with it, but that wasn’t his way.

  It was probably a good thing. Len was in a black mood. Lucifer’s behavior had grown worse than ever. Len continued with his view that he was a dominant horse, but the more Luke hit him, the more Lucifer fought back, and when Luke tried to ride him with spurs Lucifer had another wild bucking fit. It seemed impossible that he’d be ready for Anna to enter in the show in three weeks’ time.

  Ellie was glad her uncle was stressed and worried, but when she voiced this to Joe he shook his head.

  “This isn’t just about Dad, Ellie. If we lose the Equi-Glow sponsorship it could be really bad for us all. Jeff Hallett is generous and gives Dad a lot of money. If we didn’t have it, we’d have to sell some of the horses. We couldn’t keep nearly as many.” He frowned. “And it’s not good for Lucifer either. He’s so unhappy. You can see it written all over him. I wish I could do something. I thought about joining-up with him—it might help—but I know Dad wouldn’t even let me try.”

  “I wish he’d let you. I bet it would make a difference.” She thought of suggesting they did it in secret, maybe when Len was out, but just looking at Joe’s face she knew he wouldn’t even consider it. Ellie frowned as she realized that Joe hadn’t actually worked with any young horses since Merlin had died, yet it was one of the things that had always made him happiest.

  “You might not be able to join-up with Lucifer, but isn’t your dad thinking of backing Minstrel soon? Are you going to join-up with him?”

  Joe shook his head. “I’m not in the mood at the moment.”

  “But it helped Solo so much.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  Ellie hesitated. She knew that whenever she’d been feeling down about her mom and dad, then helping Spirit and listening to him had always left her feeling calmer and somehow soothed. “I think you should.”

  “No, Ellie—”

  “Please, Joe. Join-up with Minstrel.”

  He didn’t say anything.

  Ellie grabbed the chance. Joe might not feel like doing it, but she was sure it would help him. “Why don’t you do it tomorrow morning? I’ll meet you at the barn…”

  “No,” he started to say.

  “Yes. If you’re not there, I’ll come and drag you out of bed. You’re going to join-up with Minstrel. He needs it—and so do you.”

  Joe looked as if he would argue, but at the sight of her determined face he gave in. “OK, OK, anything to keep the peace,” he said, spreading his hands. “I’ll join-up with him.”

  “Brilliant!” Ellie beamed.

  Joe sighed.

  The next morning, at 6 a.m., Ellie met Joe by Minstrel’s stall. Minstrel was a three-year-old dark bay thoroughbred that Len hoped to eventually show in the hack classes. Beautiful but highly strung, he was very different from easy-going Solo. As Joe led him down to the r
ing, with Ellie carrying the saddle, Minstrel peered around, jumping as he saw ghosts in every clump of grass.

  “Minstrel!” Joe exclaimed in irritation as the horse shied and knocked into him. He pulled the leadrope hard. “Stop it!”

  Ellie felt a flicker of worry. Joe was usually so patient with horses. She could tell he didn’t want to be here. Was she doing the right thing in making him try this? Yes. She clung to the instinct that had made her get Joe out with a young horse again.

  When they reached the ring Joe took off Minstrel’s headcollar and set him free. Minstrel shied away, sending sand over Joe, and cantered to the far fence. Stopping at the last moment, he tossed his head, wheeled around and raced away.

  Joe sighed and then, bracing his shoulders, began walking into the center.

  “Good luck,” Ellie called.

  Joe didn’t look around or reply.

  I’m doing the right thing, she told herself. But she couldn’t help feeling uneasy.

  Minstrel swerved around Joe and stopped dead at the fence again. Joe walked towards him, lifting his arms to send the horse on around the outside of the ring. Minstrel bucked, his back legs kicking out. Ellie saw Joe take a step back, his eyes widening, almost as if he had suddenly realized where he was. Minstrel plunged one way, cantered a few paces, then swung around and galloped straight at Joe.

  “Whoa!” Joe jumped back in surprise as Minstrel thundered past, kicking his legs up with a squeal.

  Suddenly Joe had no choice but to concentrate on the horse. Before Ellie’s eyes, the reluctance dropped away from him, an intent expression on his face, as he focused on the bay gelding. “Go on!” he urged, heading after him.

  Minstrel made to stop at the fence again, but Joe growled and ran at him, lifting his arms to encourage the horse on. He had to get Minstrel moving around the outside of the ring, not simply going wherever he wanted. With a toss of his head, Minstrel set off at a canter. Joe instinctively positioned himself so that he was level with the horse’s hindquarters, sending him on by staying square to the horse, lifting his arms and keeping his eyes locked on to the horse’s eyes. Ellie could see that all thoughts of Merlin and his dad had faded away; the only thing on his mind now was how best to work with the horse.

  He had to keep Minstrel cantering until the horse showed signs that he wanted come in and be close to him instead of staying away. The skill with join-up was to watch for those signs and respond immediately, letting the horse know that when he wanted to be friends the human in the middle was ready and waiting.

  Minstrel tried to stop and swing around again, but Joe was there at his hindquarters, urging him on, making him do what Joe wanted. Minstrel cantered on until Joe blocked his movement by changing his position so he was walking towards the horse’s head. Then Minstrel stopped and turned. Ellie saw Joe give a small nod and smile; it was what he had wanted. He was encouraging the horse to listen to him, to react to his body language.

  Ellie gradually let out the breath she’d been holding. Joe was working with the horse, really working with him. Minstrel wasn’t easy at all. Joe had to concentrate for every second, but eventually the bay gelding’s wild canter slowed to a steady pace and then, as Joe eased off the pressure slightly by moving further away, dropped to a trot.

  Joe asked the horse to change direction several times, and little by little the horse began to show signs he’d had enough of moving around, that he wanted to come in and be friends with Joe. First his head started to lower and then his inside ear seemed to fix on Joe. His head dropped lower still until his muzzle was almost on the floor and he started to lick and chew.

  “Now!” Ellie breathed.

  Joe acted at the same moment. Turning away and dropping eye contact, he made his body language non-aggressive. Ellie could see that although he wasn’t looking directly at the horse, he was keeping an eye on him. Minstrel slowed to a stop and looked at Joe. Ellie waited for him to come in and join-up, but with a toss of his head Minstrel started walking towards the gate. But Joe wasn’t fazed and responded instantly. Turning around, he moved quickly towards the horse, raising his arms. Minstrel set off at a canter again, his eyes surprised.

  It only took a couple of circuits before he was slowing down again to a trot and then asking to be friends. This time, when Joe turned away, Minstrel barely hesitated. He slowed to a walk and turned in, coming straight to Joe and halting by his shoulder.

  Ellie saw the smile spread across Joe’s face as he began to stroke the horse and rub his neck. She saw that he was speaking to him, smiling, totally caught up in what he was doing.

  Relief flowed through her. He’d done it. He’d joined-up with Minstrel. She was sure it would help him. She knew how losing herself in talking to Spirit had been like a break from real life, an escape that wasn’t possible any other way, not even in sleep. As Joe walked around the ring with Minstrel following him, she could see he wasn’t thinking about anything else, just the horse and how best to work with him. He stopped, rubbed the horse’s neck and sent him out again. Within a few circuits Minstrel was asking to join-up. This time, when they met in the middle, Joe walked over to the gate.

  “Can I have the headcollar and saddle?”

  Ellie nodded and climbed over the gate with it.

  Joe slipped on Minstrel’s headcollar and then saddled him up, as gently and carefully as the first time he’d tried this with Solo. Minstrel turned his head and tried to nibble the saddle flaps, but he didn’t look afraid. Joe fastened the girth loosely and then led him around. They returned to the gate with Minstrel walking quietly beside Joe.

  “You did it!” Ellie said.

  Joe nodded slowly and, for the first time since Merlin had died, Ellie saw a light in his eyes. “I didn’t think I was going to. He was harder than Solo.”

  “But you did it,” Ellie told him.

  “Yeah.” Joe looked at her. “Thanks for making me.”

  She smiled. “Any time.”

  For a moment she thought he was about to say something else, but he just patted Minstrel’s neck and took the saddle off again. “Let’s take him in.”

  They led Minstrel up to his stall in an easy silence. Joe took his headcollar off and they stood in the stall together, watching as Minstrel had a drink. “Will you do some more with him tomorrow?” Ellie asked.

  Joe nodded. “You were right. I should have been working with the horses. It helps.” He looked at her. “You know that, though, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” she admitted.

  He reached impulsively for her hand. “Thank you. For everything. I don’t how I’d have got through the last week without you. You’ve been brilliant.”

  Ellie didn’t know what to say. She blushed.

  His fingers tightened on hers and their eyes met.

  Suddenly she couldn’t help herself. She was swept away by the closeness of the moment and by everything she wanted—everything she was sure he wanted too. “Joe,” she whispered. “Nothing else matters apart from us. Please, can’t you see that?”

  He hesitated and then he pulled her into his arms.

  Ellie’s breath caught in her throat. This was it! The moment she’d been waiting for.

  But as his lips moved down to meet hers, she looked into his eyes and felt as if she’d just been thumped in the stomach. She instantly pulled away.

  “What?” Joe said in surprise.

  Her eyes searched his. She saw his confusion but beyond that something else—worry, anxiety. She swallowed. “Why were you about to kiss me just then?”

  “Why?” Joe’s frown deepened. “Because you wanted me to.”

  His words crashed into her. “Because I wanted you to,” she echoed.

  “You do, don’t you?” he went on, still frowning. “I thought this was what you wanted.”

  Biting her lip, she took a breath. “Do you want this too?”

  He stared at her, taken aback. “What? Of course I do!”

  She desperately wanted to believe him but her se
nses were on red alert. “Really?”

  He hesitated.

  “Joe!”

  “I do want to…” His voice trailed off.

  She said the word for him. “But…”

  “But…but I can’t stop thinking about everything else.” He looked completely torn. “I can’t just ignore everything else the way you can, Ellie. I wish I could be like you—as certain as you. I really do. Part of me wants to be so much more than just friends. But I just can’t…”

  Ellie nodded slowly.

  “Oh, Ellie,” he groaned, seeing her face. “I’m sorry. Look, I can forget everything else. I’ll try…” He reached for her hands again.

  “No! We can’t do this unless you really want to. It has to make you happy too. Properly happy.”

  She waited, desperate for him to tell her it would, but he didn’t. And in the silence, she faced the truth. Although she’d dreamed about this, wanted it so much, it couldn’t happen.

  “Ellie?” he said hesitantly.

  She drew in a deep breath, suddenly knowing what she had to do. “You know,” she said, swallowing, “I think this a bad idea.”

  He looked surprised. “Really?”

  “Yeah.” She nodded and met his gaze. It was one of the hardest things she’d ever done. “You’re right, Joe. There are way too many problems. It would be just too difficult.”

  The relief that flashed across his face stabbed her like a javelin.

  “Are you sure about this? Because maybe we can try…”

  “No,” she interrupted quickly. “No trying. Let’s just be friends.”

  He squeezed her hands. “The best of friends, Els. Always closer than close.”

  She forced a smile, and turned before he could see how upset she was. “I’ll just see Spirit before morning feeds,” she managed to say.

  He nodded. “I’ll put the tack away.”

  As Ellie turned towards Spirit’s stable she broke into a run. Spirit was waiting, looking over his stable door, as if he had sensed she was coming. He whinnied when he saw her.

  Ellie fumbled with his door. Getting into the stable, she flung her arms around his neck. All the dreams she’d had about her and Joe crumbled. It’s not going to happen, she thought. Not any of it. Not ever. She pictured his smiling greeny-gray eyes and her heart twisted violently. Joe would never be anything more than a friend. She began to cry.